I became a Christian eleven years ago, on November 14th 2004 at 7.45am, after 29 years of being atheist/agnostic.
I have been on a journey the last few years, finding out who I am, learning what I love, what I enjoy, what I will and will not tolerate, and what my personal truths are. This morning, after a long, personal internal battle, I acknowledged to myself that I am, once again, agnostic.
(It was a long journey because, despite my waning faith and increasing doubts, I've been scared to admit, even to myself, that I am once again agnostic, just in case God is real and my admission ticks Him off. Although, if He is real, and omniscient, then He already knows, right?)
Why?
Because...
I have lost any faith I had in the power of prayer. I could go into a lot of detail here, but the bottom line is this: Either (a) prayers are not heard, or (b) praying IS heard and God answers some prayers and not others on a totally random basis, without any reasoning. If prayer works, why have thousands of prayers over thousands of years, not yet provided rain or food in Africa, so children can stop dying from something as simple as starvation? Yes, I've seen prayers answered, I've also seen prayers unanswered, and positive outcomes without any prayers at all.
I have lost any conviction that God (the God of Christianity) exists. After many years of relying on my "faith" to believe in unproven truths, logic has won out. Continuing to struggle to have faith in something you increasingly have no concrete reason to believe in, is a pointless activity.
I have been studying Hinduism as a possible alternative to Christianity. Ultimately I have found that it provides no more enlightenment than Christianity. As Hinduism is a polytheistic religion, it only compounds the idea of whether God exists, by providing multiple gods to worship. I can definitely see why millions of believe follow this religion though - Mother Kali and Lord Shiva seem a lot more realistic, reachable, and personable than a God who, although omnipresent, cannot be defined or seen.
I no longer have confidence in what I believed. From the beginning, seeds of doubt about Heaven, and what happens to us when we die, were present. More and more, when I am asked (by my kids or otherwise) about what happens when we die, what Heaven is like, what praying does, or similar questions, I find myself mumbling "I'm not really sure" and changing the subject. I am not really sure - that's the absolute truth. If I cannot confidently answer my child, with full conviction in what I'm telling him, then my answer is as good as a lie.
I no longer believe the Holy Bible is the infallible word of God. As a Christian, you are expected to accept that the Holy Bible is the infallible word of God. You may not pick and choose what you believe but, instead, accept it all - as God's word. I find it hard to accept a "holy" book that condemns homosexuals (Leviticus 18:22), tattoos (Leviticus 19:28) and women speaking in church (1 Corinthians 14:34), but condones polygamy (pretty much every book in the OT), infanticide (Psalm 137:9, Exodus 12:29), slavery (Exodus, Galatians, Colossians, Peter, Titus), and genocide (Deuteronomy 3:4-6). I am also disillusioned by the number of "Christians" who do opt to pick and choose the parts of the Bible that they believe in.
I don't need Christianity to have morals. I treat people how I would like to be treated. I help others less fortunate than me if I am able. I feed the homeless. I rescue injured animals. I try to make other people happy. I try not to hurt people's feelings. I did these things before I was a Christian, while I was a Christian, and will continue to do these things as long as I am alive and able. Not because my religion directs me to do them, but because they are the right thing to do, regardless of religion.
God gets all the credit for the good stuff, but none of the blame for the bad stuff. I have been noticing that certain things that I once accepted as the truth, now really annoy me. For example, a friend recently posted on social media that her child is doing much better in school this year, compared to last year. A comment was made on this achievement "to God be the glory". Really? This child has worked her butt off for months - mentally, emotionally and physically - to overcome whatever held her back last year - and you're going to don't blow her off and give God all her credit? No! She did the work, praise HER for rising up and doing what she needed to do!
On the flip side, how often is God blamed for the bad stuff? War. Murder. Child abuse. Animal abuse. Tsunamis. Hurricanes. Floods. Rape. Starvation. Homelessness. Car wrecks. Plane crashes. Watch the news any given day and you will see one or more of these covered in the daily stories. Nobody blames God (except Pat Robertson and we all know he's going to Hell anyway). However, you may hear the occasional story of the little girl who was abducted and found BEFORE she was raped and murdered, and the relatives are all over the news, praising God for her safe return. What about the 27 other little girls the guy took who were not returned? Were they not worthy of God's rescue?
In conclusion, I cannot say that a God or many Gods exist. I cannot say that He doesn't/they don't. I will not judge a person because they do believe, as I have never judged a person because they did not believe. If a friend asks for prayers, I will pray for them. If a friend asks for healing vibes, likewise I will ask the universe to send healing vibes. If a friend asks for me to think or speak good things towards them, I will. If I can give what a friend requests, and do it with my whole heart, in love, then I will.
W Somerset Maugham said "the fact that a great many people believe something is no guarantee of it's truth". I would suggest, likewise, that the fact that a great many people do not believe something is no guarantee of it's untruth. The only guarantee for me is that, by living according to seven simple words, I can make the world a better place. Those words are:
~ LOVE ALL ~ SERVE ALL ~ CREATE NO SORROW ~
Acknowledgement: "Love all, serve all, create no sorrow" are lyrics taken from Trevor Hall's song "Unity" which you can hear at this link - Trevor Hall - Unity (with lyrics)
